The D Days

I am about 7 weeks in to a 6 month deployment. My husband has deployed before so this is not new to me.  What is new is this feeling of depression. The other times he deployed I was not a stay at home mom with preschoolers. I worked, I lived near family and I was mentally as well and physically busy. I had things to do and think about. Now not so much, I am taking online classes for a BA in psychology but that doesn’t take up that much time. I get that done after the girls go to bed at 8:30 and I have house work.  But, to tell the truth I hate it.  I like to have someone to talk to when I do house work. Most people I know have a job or a child that is now preschool age in school all or part of the day and the ones that home school are busy most of the day.  I think about going out and get a preschool curriculum.  I consider starting that now but I don’t wanna.   Can’t we just start kindergarten next year?  Preschool is about socializing children and getting them used to being in a large group of children. My kids don’t need that a) they get along just fine in a large group and b) I am going to homeschool them. But I’ve gotten off track. When my husband was home I had someone to look forward too,( not that I don’t love and look forward to my children because I do) but it is diffrent waiting for my husband to come home. In this feeling I feel I have forsoke one of my pillar principles, being a self fulfilled women. I was not raised to be so reliant on anyone other then myself ie friends or men. I love my husband very much but let’s be clear he doesn’t define me in nor do I him. I don’t need him in the way  that others might think most partners need each other or should.  I was a whole person before I got married happy with myself.  I love him very much and I don’t want to live with out him but if I had to for whatever reason I could. I want him in my life, I don’t need him. To need someone so completely like that is kinda like giving up control of your own happiness and placing the burden on someone else. I fail to see how that is fair or right. I would HATE for him to do that to me and I would feel bad doing that to him. Knowing what I know about myself why do I feel so dang dependent. Does missing make you dependent? Does being a stay at home mom? What about this situation is making me feel like the type of spouse that needs her husband to hold her up. Maybe it is just a feeling and to others with a clear view they see me as what I used to see myself as a strong independent, self-reliant women. Maybe that is how others see me but I really don’t feel it .